Beca's journal - Do NOT read under threat of death (this means you Mom
by blackindiaink
Summary: Beca's journal as she starts her freshman year.
1. 9-1-12

A/N: Just something I wrote to get back in the mood of writing first person.

* * *

I have seriously started to doubt that there is still truth out there. Everyone lies; about different things, stupid things and at the worst times possible. Have you ever noticed that you tend to lie when the truth matters most? I have, because I am a little too self aware for my own taste. You just get trapped in this vicious, unavoidable succession of truth avoidance episodes. Your best friend asks if her new haircut looks good and you say yes even though it looks like David Bowie mauled her head. Someone wants to hang out with you but all you want to do is sit at home on the couch eating disgusting junk food and watching original Star Trek reruns until you doze off with cheeto orange smudges all around your mouth. So, to get them off your back you tell them that you have a project due the next day that you haven't even started. There are big lies; like telling your parents that you're a virgin when you actually hooked up with Chris Kim in the art room closet when you were in 9th grade.

Large or small, the worst lies are the ones you tell yourself. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. It's easier really. When your dad splits on you for a new family you have to make this great story up to keep the feelings from drowning you from the inside out. At first you say, he'll be back when he realizes how much he misses me or he will send for me when he is ready. Then there is my favorite; he is away on a trip to some far flung corner of the world but he will be back soon bearing gifts. Namely, that boom box you asked for when you were five. This is how you mend your broken heart a little at a time but the fault lines are always still there. Those little breaks in your foundation that could erupt given the right catalyst.

So, here I was Freshman year of college finding myself in the presence of my long lost Dad, at least weekly. It's sure as hell not how I imagined it at five but you have to grow up sometime. I was attending college, barely, and as part of this crazy deal he had struck with me I was a member of an all girls a capella group. Now, my plan was to play along and keep my head down until I could get the hell out of here and catch the first plane to L.A. I got more than I bargained for. I started to care.

There are a lot of things I could try to blame my complete inability to connect in a deep emotional way on. Of course, there are the ever present daddy issues but as long as I am truth telling I have to take part of the blame. I don't like feeling unsafe and getting closer than casual friends has been hard enough but getting romantically involved is definitely far across the border of danger land. I've had my share of trysts, short lived flings, and almost stalkers. My weakness for drummers was kind of an issue in high school, but I have yet to fall in love. This year that might change.


	2. 09-20-12

09/20/12

I have this guy after me, his name is Jesse. He is cute, not too tall, a little too sweet, definitely has a white knight complex, and he is smitten with yours truly. I considered dating him but every time I think about how he looks at me it wigs me out. It's like he sees a future and we haven't even kissed. I really don't think it's fair to get involved with someone like that, I call them puppy dogs. I don't want to hurt his feelings because he is a genuinely nice guy, so I have been casually brushing him off and it's worked to a point.

There is this moment that happens when you know that someone wants to kiss you and it kind of weirds you out but you let them do it anyway. That happened last night. at the initiation party. All the a cappella groups were partying at the Greek Theatre and after much beer he got me to make the unwise decision of agreeing to check out the area under the stage with him. Maybe if I hadn't pounded three cups of beer in thirty minutes I might have kept my distance but I guess I missed that light in his eyes until it was too late. He locked on target and came straight for me. The kiss wasn't particularly interesting but the part where I almost knocked myself out on a rafter was pretty memorable. Though, the pain was worth it because he helped me up and I got to plead a splitting headache, which made beating a hasty retreat much more natural. Thank god no one actually saw the whole disaster.

Let's rewind, because Jesse isn't the only important person in this story. Right before the completely ill advised three cups of lukewarm beer a certain bouncy Bella had caught me off guard with a personal bubble popping appearance in my face. Now, to catch you up; Chloe Beale is shall we say... perky. This is usually a quality I hate in people but it works for her. I haven't quite figured out why she intrigues me so much. My money is on the fact that she burst on me in the shower just to make me sing for her. Not to say that there wasn't some mutual body perusing but we will leave that for later.

What I love about Chloe is that she makes me feel comfortable even in innately uncomfortable situations. It was like I closed my eyes for a second and she just appeared on the inside of my defenses. There isn't a wall of social awkwardness that can stand an onslaught from her quirky and kind but calming ways. She makes time to talk to everyone, if only to check in and see how they are. There isn't a person who can honestly say that they don't like her. At yet, to all this she also adds this unabashed sexiness, speaking from a truly objective standpoint. Okay, so there's where I lied. I am anything but objective. The problem is finding the queer balls to tell her. The option to pretend ignorance of my crush is disappearing. Did I mention that I have a tendency to blurt things out when I'm nervous?


End file.
